Reproduction is permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM groups for educational purposes with acknowledgements given to SAADE. 

Women are socialized to be nice, never hurt anyone's feelings and to act feminine (i.e. don't ask a guy out, don't be pushy, help him to feel like a strong, self-sufficient man, etc.)

Men are socialized to be competitive, not ask for help, be persistent and even "pushy" when it comes to asking a girl out. They learn that their persistence will be rewarded, at least some of the time. Men often believe that " no" doesn't always mean no. It could mean maybe. An absence of " no" could mean " yes". They learn this from their friends, from urban myths they hear, from men's pornography and even from their own experiences.

Women are raised to believe that if they have sex (and  all women get mixed messages about this) they choose that particular person to be with, and that this is a selection that they have made that in no way reflects on whether they want to have sex with lots of people. Each time they choose, it is a personal and individual choice. But men are raised to see women's sexual behavior differently. If a man sees a woman who is unattached, he assumes she might want him. If she dates or has sex with another man, he assumes that she might be available to him. If a woman plays publicly in the leather scene, or plays with more than one person in her lifetime, a man is apt to assume that he has a chance with her, too. By now you should be seeing the obvious " culture clash" that men and women bring to the mating game.

Let's go back to high school where we all learned about sex.

No, not from sex ed class -- from our friends, from the streets and from peer pressure. Do you remember how a girl got a reputation as a " slut"? Did you ever hear of a man getting a bad reputation as a slut? Were the rules about this different for women than for men? Did men get rejected by their peers for having lots of women?

In high school, boys learn to ask girls out. They learn to accept rejection, but they continue to hope that a pretty girl will date them. They learn from their peers that you must be a bit pushy sometimes to get a girl to go out with you. They learn from pornography that girls secretly want to have sex with everyone, that their sexuality is insatiable, and that " no" doesn't always mean " no" -- it could be that you just haven't got her  aroused enough yet. Some men think that girls say " no" because they want to appear to the guy as a " good girl". They may also come to believe that some girls like to be " forced" so that they can later not feel any guilt about having had sex!

So, to many men  -- when a woman says " NO!" he hears " Maybe?"  He brings all of his cultural upbringing to his experience and may feel that if he's lucky and persistent and can arouse her enough, she will  might well say yes.

Now we come into the leather scene as adults and we enter a whole new culture.

The culture of leather is far different from the one of high school. In this culture, women can be openly sexual and make choices and choose to be dominant or submissive.

Women can play with multiple partners and do public scenes without fear of being labeled " sluts" ( the bad kind) and they can do sexual things naked in front of a crowd and no one will bother them……………or can they????

When men enter the leather scene they often can't believe their good fortune! Here they get to see naked women on a regular basis and perhaps play with many of them. They have to follow accepted rules but non-monogamy of some sort is very common. Some men have described feeling like " a kid in a candy store" when they first came into the BDSM scene. But of course in this new culture they have to leave their old misconceptions from high school behind…….. or do they??????

Herein is the problem.

Some  men entering the leather scene don't shed all of their training from high school. They may come to hold beliefs that teach them that all women fit a mold, or that all women are available to them sexually. They may see a woman play with more than one partner at a party and their old cultural beliefs kick in that tell them that if she is playing publicly, then she might be available to them.

We also would be remiss if we didn't mention what we all know too clearly.

Not everyone who enters the leather scene is a picture of mental health. There are crazies out there, and the promise of getting to hurt people, especially women, tends to attract a share of real, non-consensual weirdoes…. The kind that want to kill and dismember people and lock the parts in their trunk in the garage.

There are some very strange people who come in from the internet chat rooms and have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality.

The percentage is small -- but why take chances? Every year people are killed by persons advertising themselves as BDSM players when in fact these people are murderers and rapists.

Be careful. Know who you are going out with. The risk is small BUT IT IS A RISK. Don't relax your guard just because it's not a single's bar!

There are some dominants (of both genders) who clearly advertise that they are non-consensual players. But the BDSM community has done such a great job of stressing that we all play safely and consensually, it's often hard for a sub to believe that these people might well be telling the truth -- if someone says they don't play consensually, and they really want to do things that place a sub's life and emotional well being at serious risk, believe them.

So what does a woman do when she's dealing with a man who's often been raised to think that her " no" could mean maybe? What does she do if she finds herself being persistently propositioned, groped, or otherwise made to feel uncomfortable by unwanted attentions from  one of these men?

The first thing to do is not get too infuriated. It might be easy to get enraged at men in general for not getting it, but remember, they are products of male conditioning, just as we are products of female conditioning. They must learn new behaviors and ways of dealing with women. BUT SO MUST WOMEN LEARN NEW WAYS OF DEALING WITH MEN. We can't fairly expect that men do all the changing.

But what if the woman defines herself as submissive in the BDSM scene? How can she be submissive and assertive with "jerks" at the same time? Even a submissive woman can and should learn to say "no" to someone with whom she has NOT consented to play. This is not out of her role! Submissives can and should have safe words or some kind of signals that allow their Dominant to know what's going on with them. SAYING "NO!" IS JUST ANOTHER SAFE WORD, albeit one that is used with strangers or those who don't have good manners in the scene.

Remember the training that women have to "be nice" and not hurt people's feelings? Many women are unclear or even misleading when they attempt to set boundaries with pushy men or women. They don't actually say " No". They say gentle things, things that they think men should understand as being a turn-down. But men don't understand that unclear messages mean no. They think they mean " maybe".

What sorts of things do women say that are unclear? ........... Things like:

"Not right now, I'm playing with someone else."  (He thinks "Oh, she wants me later.")

"Of course I find you attractive, but I can't play with you because I'm in service to ______." (He thinks, "Oh she wants me later, I'll ask her Dom for her.")

"Maybe another time." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")

"Thanks for your interest, I'll think about it." (He thinks, "Oh, she wants me later.")

Or women flirt with a man to be seen as attractive and desirable, even if they would never in a million years play with him. This, of course, leads a man to have an interest in that woman. 

WHAT CAN A SUBMISSIVE DO IF BEING PESTERED BY SOMEONE?  

1. If the pesky person is drunk or high, go immediately to a DM and report their behavior. A person who's drunk/high and obnoxious is a hazard to everyone. You could be saving another sub from a bad experience.

2. Discuss with your Dom the possibility that someone might pester you when you go to a social or party. Find out what your Dom would like you to do.

ANY TIME ANOTHER DOM HITS ON YOU WITHOUT FIRST NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR DOM, THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED NOT ONLY YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT THEY HAVE DISRESPECTED THE ROLE AND PERSON OF YOUR MASTER/MISTRESS.

Protocol varies from couple to couple, but this is one big protocol that nearly everyone agrees on in BDSM.

The most common issue is that your Dom is in the bathroom, outside smoking, playing with another sub, home sick with the flu, or otherwise not available for you to get to immediately. That is usually when pestering types strike.

What then?

Go over these  boundary-setting behaviors with your Dom and see which he/she prefers that you use:

* Use this example and talk about what your options might be. Don't think it might not happen… it just might!

You are at a social gathering and your Dom is across the room packed full of people… so full that it would take you minutes to get to him/her. You are standing with a friend when a Dominant approaches you. He:

• gives you a hug
• gives you a hug and then squeezes your bottom
• gives you a hug, pinches your nipples and then says " When can I play with you?"
• orders you to your knees
• orders you to your knees and tells you to perform oral sex on him

(By the way, ALL of these things have happened at a BDSM social)

Don't count on your Dom knowing that you are being rudely pursued and don't count on the protection of other Doms -- they may not know what's going on. Recently a submissive woman was being rudely pestered by a Dom and after spending minutes to get back to her Dom and get away from this obnoxious fellow she arrived at her Dom's side, only to have him say to the rude man ( jokingly) " Why, I've never seen this woman before in my life!" He was joking, but it sure didn't help her feel safe!

If you are alone or with other subs/friends you have one of many options if someone is being rude and disrespectful

Remember, being rude is not a form of play unless negotiated. Anyone who attempts to play with you without negotiation is disrespecting you and your dominant and the relationship you share.

Here are a few things you can do.

1. Say " No!" clearly.  Examples:

a) "Leave me alone, I do not want to play with you"
b) "Don't touch me without permission of my Dom/Master/Mistress!"
c) "If you keep pestering me I will have you removed from this gathering."

2. What if you might want to play with this person in the future, but not now? Examples:

a) "I have plans for tonight but I will talk to you at another time. Not now."
b) " I might want to play with you sometime but you must talk to my Dom/Master/Mistress first."
c) "I am interested in talking to you more about playing but I'd prefer we do it over coffee and not here. You may call me."

3. If a person touches you in a way you find offensive, give him his hand back and say " You do not have permission to touch me." If they persist, have them removed.This is assault if they don't stop when told to.

4. Let your play partner know that there has been a problem of single Doms cruising subs right after they've played. Ask to stay with your play partner for after care or  ask someone else to sit with you to monitor the situation. When you're still high from sub space is a bad time to be negotiating with a stranger.

5. If someone attempts to play with you without your permission ( i.e. strikes you, hits you with implements, pins you in a corner, etc) do not hesitate to have them removed from the gathering. If you feel in danger, don't hesitate to use self-defense strategies.

6. If someone is coercing you, threatening you or not abiding by your limits, do not play with him/her.

Bibliography:

You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen
SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
Boundaries and Relationships by Charles Whitfield, MD
If Men Could Talk… by Alon Gratch, PhD
What He Can't Tell You and Needs to Say by Brenda Shoshonna, PhD
What Women Want by Lawrence Stains and Stefan Bechtel
The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD
Tongue Fu! How To Disarm, Deflect and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn