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Key to Kinky Happiness |
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Saturday, 15 October 2005 |
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The
Key to Kinky Happiness
by Gloria Brame
Reproduction is
permitted by non-profit and not-for-profit SM
groups for educational purposes with
acknowledgements given to SAADE and the author.
© Gloria Brame
Self-acceptance
and self-esteem are the cornerstones of a happy life.
For people who are sexually unconventional, this
foundation is often shaky and, at times, non-existent.
In our culture, it is difficult to feel good about
yourself when the sting of a whip is your idea of a
sensual caress.
Ever since psychiatrists in 19th Century Europe first
classified kinky behaviors as abnormal, ugly myths have
prevailed over honest information. Sexual variations
which are largely the outgrowth of normal and innate
human impulses have been labeled as perversions and
sicknesses; people who long for intense sensations or
unusual erotic experiences have been branded sinners and
sociopaths. We have no public role models to show us
that it is possible to act out unusual sexual fantasies
safely and lovingly. The popular image of the
"sexual pervert" is of a shady, neurotic
character who lurks in dark bars, incapable of intimacy,
consumed by morbid, even violent, urges.
Whether we crave the elaborate rituals of goddess
worship or the complex structure of Master/slave
relationships, the liberating captivity of bondage or
the playful discipline of adult spankings, those of us
who explore the world of sexual dominance and submission
are repeatedly sent the message that who we are and what
we want are all wrong. We are told this by people who
represent authority in our lives--our parents, our
teachers, our doctors, our clergy. When we dare to
confess our fantasies to lovers, we face rejection and
ridicule.
In the face of near-universal disapproval, we feel
ashamed of who we are; we resist our emotions and
repress our needs. Sexual sadists fear that they may be
serial killers in disguise; sexual masochists worry that
they may secretly have victim- complexes. Fetishists
feel isolated and guilty, believing that a desire to
worship feet or to wear rubber is a kind of mental
illness.
Many crossdressers endure desperate cycles of binging
and purging with clothes, the way bulimics do with food.
They become obsessed with their fantasies, amassing
whole collections of garments, wigs, and accessories.
When the lust wears itself down, they throw everything
away in disgust, vowing to change. Inevitably, of
course, the needs resurface, the binging begins again,
and the cycle repeats.
The anxiety about being sexually unconventional is so
pervasive that even those who have come to terms with
their own kinks may find it hard to accept the kinky
things that others do.
I once attended a fetish event where a group of corset
enthusiasts refused to be seated near the "whips
and chains crowd" because they believed the myth
that people who enjoy giving or receiving pain are
dangerous to others. Sexual variations such as the
erotic interest in enemas (klismaphilia) or the desire
to wear diapers and baby clothes (infantilism) make some
kinky people so uncomfortable the topics never even come
up at kinky support/education groups.
So how can we overcome the prejudices--both from without
and within--which have made it so difficult for us to
feel good about ourselves? First, by looking towards the
dozens of writers, psychologists, and activists who are
now creating a new literature of sexual enlightenment
which shows us, for the first time, that being unusual
is not really as unusual as we think. There are quite
literally millions, if not tens of millions, of people
who enjoy sexual variations of one kind or another.
We can turn to alternative sexuality projects and
educational groups, both on-line and off-line, which
provide forums for candid dialogue about formerly taboo
needs and desires. There we can read about and talk to
kinky people who lead positive lives and have
satisfying, long-term relationships.
But the most important step is to take stock of our own
lives and to recognize our personal achievements.
Whether it's our success in meeting obligations at home
and at work; our contributions to our communities or our
churches; or the loyalty and compassion we've shown
relatives and friends, our own lives demonstrate a
simple fact. Being sexually different does not us any
less moral, any less decent, or any less precious than
other human beings--it is simply a facet of our complex
lives. When we learn to accept ourselves, as we are and
for we are, we will build a foundation for personal
happiness that no myth can shake.
About
the Author
Dr.
Gloria Brame is the Kinky Sexpert and BDSM chat-host for THRIVE
On-Line on AOL. She is the author of such books as CONSENTING
ADULTS: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex, DOMINA: The
Sextopians, DIFFERENT LOVING: The World of Sexual Dominance
and Submission with William D. Brame and Jon Jacobs, WHERE
THE BOYS ARE: A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Mr. Right and has
contributed to Between the Cracks: The Daedalus Anthology of
Kinky Verse edited by Gavin Geoffrey Dillard, Consensual SM
by William Henkin and Sybil Holiday and contributed to magazines such
as REDBOOK (December, 1998, "Quickies: How to Have Hot
Sex in Ten Minutes") and MAXIM (September, 1998,
"Touch Her Right Here: New Age Sex Tips To Turn Her On").
You
can find much more of Gloria Brame here Different loving
Reprinted
with permission from the archives of the SAADE Gazette.
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