This
article focuses on one of the topics that I teach as a
Mentor in the Austin Mentor Program for SAADE.
It is not to be considered as all encompassing, or
even as gospel. It is meant as a general guide to
negotiating with a partner and to give you a place to
start. The original text can be found on My
web site. I will use the male form for the Top and
the female form for the bottom, but only for the
purpose of ease in explanation. I have no prejudice
either way. And I will talk mostly about this from the
Dominant's point of view, because that's who I mentor.
Also, if I tried to explain every point of view from
every politically correct angle, this would be too
long to fit in a single article! But this can work for
either male or female, Top or bottom. And although
there may be a difference, I will use Top, Dominant
and Master almost interchangeably, as well as
submissive, bottom and slave, for purposes of this
article. And all of this information is My opinion and
should not be mistaken for legal, religious or medical
advice.
First
Meeting
When you first walk in to a BDSM gathering or get
off the Internet and go to Real Time pursuits of your
interest, things may seem a bit overwhelming for you,
whether you're a Top or a bottom. And when you decide
to "make the move" how should you begin?
Well,
like in most real life situations, try honesty,
sincerity and courtesy.
First
rule: The middle of a scene, presentation or
exhibition is never a place for new or changed
negotiations.
I
heard a story about a guy who walked into a bar, saw a
girl that I know, that he knew was submissive. He
bought her a drink, and while talking to his friends,
told the girl to go to his car and get him his Palm
Pad.
That's
fine if the submissive were his submissive. Otherwise,
it's rude.
Also,
since it was not negotiated ahead of time, it
shouldn't even be considered.
I
heard another story about a man who was doing a
presentation. And while he had his "models"
at the front of the room, already in scene, he stated,
"I know I didn't negotiate this with you, but I
think you'll enjoy it".
Again,
if it was not negotiated ahead of time it should not
be considered.
Second
rule: A submissive is only submissive to
those she chooses to submit to, and a slave is only a
slave to her Master and those that her Master chooses
for her to submit to.
It
doesn't take much to get a relationship started. Have
some confidence and talk. Most times, the submissive
is looking for a Dominant in the same places that the
Dominant is looking for a submissive. It's just a
matter of finding the right one for you.
It
is My belief that in our lifestyle our cards are out
on the table faster than in the vanilla world. So
maybe we proceed just a little faster. But we usually
find out if we are compatible long before those in the
vanilla world. If you are polite, then the
conversation may get started quicker. If you're nasty,
there's probably someone that's right for you, too,
but they are probably fewer and farther between.
So, rule number three: Be polite.
Now,
this article isn't about "How to Get a
Date", but it all starts the same way: you talk;
you get to know each other; you make plans to talk
again.
And
since trust is our most important asset, rule number
four: Be honest.
Just
to get a date for the Saturday night play party is no
reason to lie. If you're not into the things that
she's into, then say so. If she's not interested in
what you are, then it's better to find out now and
move on as friends, than to try and force something
and have a fight that encompasses the whole community,
later. And you don't have to say that you're a fighter
pilot or a heart surgeon to impress a submissive. Or
vice-versa. Most times, our actions speak the loudest.
Show her that you are a Dominant. Act in an honorable
manner. Command respect, don't demand it. And if it
looks like things are working out for you, then it's
time to move on to the next step.
What
Now?
Most
times, some form of negotiation starts at the outset.
But the true negotiating - the dos and don'ts, the
hard and soft limits and the direction that you want
the relationship to go - will probably not start until
the participants get to know each other better. I've
found that most negotiated relationships take
somewhere between 6-10 weeks to get started. I've been
in a few that took longer, and even some that have
been a little shorter. I have a dear, close friend
that's been with the same slave for years, and their
negotiations started after just one month. I have
another, whose initial meeting with his partner
consisted of nine words, and they've been together
since 1991. Again, these aren't the rules, just a
guideline. The point is, don't try to rush it.
Some
people get into this lifestyle or look for partners
based on their "studies" of S/M through
short stories, novels, magazine articles, the Internet
or some other form of BDSM fiction. If you believe
everything you read in the chat rooms or the latest
best-selling paperback, you're likely to be
disappointed. Know what you want. Listen to what she
wants. Success is more likely when the conversations
and negotiations are longer and more in-depth.
When
we start negotiating, we let our partner know what it
is that we expect from the relationship and find out
what she expects in return. Does it fit our plans? Is
that what I want? Are any of these things "Deal
Breakers"?
We
let her know what our limits are and find out about
hers. We talk about ourself, but we need to listen
when she's talking about herself. We state our levels
of knowledge and understanding and try to find out
hers. Are we compatible? Is this what we want?
OK,
now we need to establish some rules. I'm all for
putting things on paper. It makes it very clear what's
expected and what's tolerated and what is not. How
much training is needed? What kind of punishment will
there be? What are the rewards? Once you start putting
things on paper, everybody knows what to expect and
nothing comes as a surprise.
I
have a friend who went into an already formed
heterosexual relationship as a beta slave. The couple
already knew each other and had some set rules. Well,
two days into this relationship, she was being
punished for doing something that she didn't know was
a "don't". Nobody told her. They expected
that she knew, since, my goodness, they knew! The
three of them talked a bit more, but she could never
get things on paper, so she asked for her freedom and
moved on.
This
process gets the participants to agree to work within
boundaries to see if they both accept the situation.
Sometimes, a lot of discussion and changes need to
take place for both parties to feel comfortable. This
process, as well, may take between 6-10 weeks.
BDSM,
M/s, D/s, fetish and leather relationships can be as
varied as the types of play that these people like to
participate in. The levels of Dominance are as varied
as the levels of submissiveness.
Elsewhere
on My web site,
as well as others, you can find the 9
Levels of submission, as well as the 8
Levels of Domination. The 8 levels of
Domination are not as widely accepted as the 9
levels of submission, but both are, again, meant
to serve only as guidelines.
Is
There More?
Painfully
so! Once you've gotten to this step, the relationship
is not automatic. I like to recommend that after the
initial 6 weeks of getting to know each other, and the
additional 6 weeks of working within boundaries, the
next step is to contract the slave.
My
approach to contracts varies with the individual and
what it is that they want and what it is that I want.
My!
t has a contract
that varies greatly from one that I would use with a beta.
Neither one of them are the same as My first slave's
contract or some of My past submissive's contract's.
What works in one situation may not necessarily work
in another.
And
none of them are exactly the same as the first draft
of their respective contracts.
Then
to top it off, the first contract is short - One
month, tops. At the end of a month I find that it's
usually necessary to make changes, where applicable.
Maybe this idea didn't work. Maybe that rule wasn't
stringent enough. Maybe I no longer want to decide
what she should wear to work every morning.
The
list can go on. So the first contract shouldn't. Then
comes a second contract - maybe for another month,
maybe for three months, depending on the amount of
changes need to be made. After the three month
contract, I go to a six month or a year, or as was in
terri's case, I made it permanent because I made very
few changes the first time and none the second.
As
I stated earlier, we put most of our cards on the
table immediately and we need to live in the same
incestuous community with all of the people that are
potential partners. Therefore, it's extremely
important to be honest, polite and sincere.
The
following information was taken from the Society
of Janus web page and offers some hints for both
Tops and bottoms to use when negotiating.
Some
General Rules for Dominants and submissives:
Ten
Rules for Dominants
1
Be patient! Until you enter into a contract
with a submissive, you have no more right to order
him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom
time to get to know you and what you are like. Finesse
and subtlety are major elements of dominance.
Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand.
The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that
you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in
the playroom.
2
Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to
the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to
hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how
good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a
fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the
"real you" will show through in a scene.
Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing
expectations that you know you can never reach.
3
Be open. Although the top is classically
considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always
learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced.
Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have
a totally different perspective from yours. Try to
approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of
wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has
her or his own personal style.
4
Communicate! You are responsible for finding
out basic, essential information about the people you
play with, such as experience, limits, likes and
dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without
this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about
your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom,
so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you
start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits,
and contracts. Do not take for granted that your
bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
5
Be honest. If you lack experience in an area
that your bottom would like to experiment with, be
honest about it. Your partner has a right to know
that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive
only to those levels at which you are completely in
control of the situation. Safety should always be the
first concern, taking priority over how hot a
particular scene is.
6
Be sensitive. There's a very fine line between
a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous,
insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a
creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and
your bottom's needs and fantasies. Although, on the
surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually
is happening is that dominant and submissive are
serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your
submissive and never violate or even threaten to
violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to
you. Use it appropriately.
7
Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom
wanting more, not wishing there had been less.
Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the
keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be
clear about what is fantasy, and (that it) has little
to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno
picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but
don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
8
Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for
someone who will take over their body and mind, not
just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not
just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho
stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole
existence. It does not cover up or substitute for
other areas of your life - it is you. Make your
submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or
her to give him/herself up to you totally. Follow up
on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately
when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility
to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be
dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed
to take the dominant role - now take it!
9
Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM
requires that its participants be in top physical and
emotional health. Many factors, including the amount
you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and
drug intake affect your performance and endurance
during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your
physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you
have a special responsibility to be in control of
yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of
"drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I
can do it anyway" violates your submissive's
trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want
to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be
playing the game!
10
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a
good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to
the unique, intense pleasures which come from
responsible, creative SM play.
Ten
Rules for Submissives
1
Be patient! A potential top will let you know
if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind
that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to
satisfy someone who will take into consideration the
realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top
to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing
must be right for both of you.
2
Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess' gift to
the world and the most sought after prize in town, but
no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will
have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No
matter what you claim, the "real you" will
show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for
failure by developing expectations that you know you
and your top can never reach.
3
Be open. You can learn something about SM and
about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter
how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how
dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal
art, and an "I already know it all" attitude
will make you miss valuable SM lessons and
experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM
friends.
4
Communicate! Verbalization is necessary, but at
the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your
top needs to know basic information about you, such as
experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and
turn-offs. But - unless it's an emergency - wait until
your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a
mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants,
and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene
for both of you.
5
Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your needs
and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about
your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is
essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than
candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base
the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing
problems, it can be dangerous.
6
Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street.
It is not just the physical realization of your prior
fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to
certain physical and psychological stimulation, then
contract with your top ahead of time. But don't always
expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play
you've written in your head. It's far better to let
your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take
you to places (you've) never been before. When you
trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and
let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
7
Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even
the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness
and indecision. Don't call attention to what you
perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between
reality and the fantasy world you see in books and
magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large
dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment. Your top's
equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse
it.
8
Be really submissive! This is the whole point.
Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't
coach or second guess or be critical of your top.
Exchange information on your special needs before the
scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you
insist on running a scene to your own specifications,
then you should try being a top. You have agreed to
limitations of your own power. Stay within those
limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect
punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and
cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned
with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be
loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
9
Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous activity,
requires that its participants - both active and
passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The
amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and
drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response
and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to
know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No
matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it
all now" attitude when you aren't able to give
your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You
serve your dominant and yourself best by staying
healthy.
10
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a
good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the
unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible,
creative SM play.
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