Nowadays sex is killing us. Whether we're thinking about overpopulation or AIDS, it's hard to decide whether to join a chaste religious order or just hope to God last night's date was a member of one. But there are a number of easy ways to safely perform and really enjoy nearly all of our favorite perversions. The most difficult skill we're going to have to learn to master will be communication.

Whether we're dedicating an entire 60 minutes or a mere lifetime to the person we're considering sex with, it's plain stupid and, frankly, selfish not to at least integrate safer sex into erotic play during the early part of our relationships. As odd as it seems, these days we're not actually losing options, we're gaining them.

We can't insert an unsheathed penis into any orifice we feel like on impulse anymore, right? So what's left to enjoy? Well, first off, it's time for us all to stop thinking of "sex" or "erotic play" as meaning sticking a penis inside of another person and then pumping away until said penis is done pumping. That's only a part of what sexuality is all about.

Sensual fun is still very much alive. Massage, hugging, dry kissing, bathing, body rubbing, exhibitionism, fantasy, voyeurism, masturbation, toys, roleplay, body painting, S&M (whipping, nipple torture, hot wax/heat/electric and genitorture without blood, cuts, burns or blisters), breath orgasms; anything that doesn't involve body fluid exchange is still safe. Use of latex barriers during oral-genital/oral-anal sex, vaginal/anal intercourse, fisting, and mutual masturbation allow for a full sexual experience with a reassuring measure of safety.

Pick-Ups: You're at the club on your day off, you've had a few and she's everything you've been looking for...well, for the last week, anyway. Best of all, she's willing to go into the basement with you and help you "do inventory." Oh, man! You're never gonna see this chick again but you don't want your cock to rot off. What are you gonna do?

You're gonna use a condom, first off. No matter what.

Yeah, it's one more thing to remember; but let's face it, child support payments and who you had sex with three months ago without protection can be hard to remember, too.

But don't be boring. Remember, you may never know her last name but you can make her remember your sense of fun and frolic. Try a flavored or colored condom. There are now vanilla and strawberry flavored condoms with FDA approval for both oral and genital/anal sex. If you're not sure your flavored condom got the grade, just use it during oral sex.

But what about oral sex? Depending on location, this may be part of the fun. This is where negotiation and personal risk decisions get a workout. You've got a choice to either use a condom/dental dam, or not. If you choose not to use one, be reassured by the European and Canadian authorities who believe unprotected oral sex isn't very risky as long as no one has open cuts or soars. Do not, however, "swallow." Also, do not brush or floss your teeth for two hours before or after oral sex. If you decide to use the condom or dam, smugly counter that the U.S. authorities argue for condom use from start to finish.

Relationships: Whether you've just started being sexually intimate with your partner(s) or have been for some time, safer sex should be seriously considered at some point if HIV/Herpes status is unknown or monogamy is not part of the bargain (or hasn't yet stood the test of time). This doesn't have to look or feel like a rejection or vote of distrust. In fact, it can be a very meaningful time for everyone if a sense of fun and, perhaps, fetish is developed. This isn't simply something you're doing to avoid getting cooties from them, it's a way of keeping your cooties to yourself. Besides, here's your chance to talk about what turns you on, what you like doing and having done to you.

You can make a trip together to the local sex shoppe and check out the adult toys (vibrators, dildos, etc.), lotions, oils, powders, condoms and clothing. You don't have to buy; just look and see what's available, then discuss what you found sexy and what you didn't. There are videos, books and magazines that can be fun to share and learn from. They can get you in the mood and give you new ideas. A safer sex porno you might want to check out is Behind the Green Door, the Sequel.

Latex and lube: Many adult stores carry an array of condoms as well as dental dams, latex gloves and fingercots, as well as a wide selection of lubricants. Astroglide is very popular; I like Wet. You're going to want a lube that is water based, nonstaining, long lasting, a light gel with no scent, flavor or chemical additives. If you are of a mind to, find an attractive or amusing container to store your lube in. Perhaps a squeezy mustard bottle? Maybe you/your partner/your mom could knit a nice lube cozy? Make it a part of your life. Put your lotions in special containers, too. Condoms definitely.

Condoms come in many colors and flavors. Experiment. Have fun. You can store condoms in key chains these days and find them in all manner of novelty packaging... perfect for an awkward first timer seeking humor or for the experienced user who enjoys offbeat moments. You can carry your condoms in a carrying case that looks like a pager, cover your sweetie with whipped cream and then play games such as "Dirty Dice" or "Your Heart's Desire" while the fireplace crackles away, waiting to watch the two of you decide whether you prefer the vanilla flavored condom or the Kiss of Mint condom. Present your partner with a mug explaining how to put a condom on and take it off. ForPlay makes a tasty selection of condom flavoring oils for use during oral sex. Green apple, passion fruit, French vanilla, mandarin orange... a fruit salad of fellatio.

Dental dams can be as fancy as a latex square in a purchased "hands-free" frame, as home made as latex in an embroidery hoop, or as spontaneous as a box of pink Saran Wrap. Just imagine using that festive wrap to kiss your sweetie to screams and then make a love mummy out of her prior to delicious, condom-clad entry! Not bad for sex during the New Dark Ages, eh?

If you're fresh out of Saran Wrap and having trouble with the raw taste of latex (especially when the things are new) put a little honey or jam on your side of the dam. Don't forget to lavish your lube on the sweet flesh on the other side. In a pinch, you can also make a dental dam by cutting a condom down the center and folding it out. Budget protection! And remember, a dam should always be used if you like going "around the world." You can use a new one every time you play or you can reuse your dam after washing it with hydrogen peroxide, a good detergent or toy cleaner. Make sure and store your dam in a clean place away from heat or direct sunlight. When the latex has aged you'll see it become thinner and less stretchy. That means it's time to say goodbye to your old friend and introduce a new one to your intimate fun.

Masturbation: Whee! History's favorite secret home game is now a respectable sex option! One of the beauties of masturbation is that it can be enjoyed alone or with friends. And there's no time like the present to experiment with all the sex gadgets you've wondered about but have maybe been too shy to ask your partner(s) about helping with. There are thousands of dildos and vibrators available these days for both women and men. And no one said you have to use just one. If you want, you can work your way up from s mini dildo to one that would make Mr. Ed weep. For practice (and safety, if you decide to share) use condoms and lots of lube. You may find that the vibration of the condom makes the ripples of sensation spread out differently than with just the bare vibrator. Ready to swap toys with your best friend? Make sure s/he has a fresh condom for it. And when you're done, wash your toys with either a specialty toy cleaner or a good detergent.

Take time to relax. Put on a soothing video or CD and undress yourself, perhaps after a warm bath or a nice dinner. Sure, take yourself out and then seduce yourself. If you're a man, try out several different types of condoms to see how they fit and feel. It's winter, go for the layered look. Try a condom stretched down to cup your testicles, a little bit of lube and a second condom for sliding over the first. You'll feel increased suction, pressure and heat. For the top, try a bubble condom. See how smooth it moves over the other condoms? Snap the condom tip against the head of your penis. Don't be surprised when you shred a few; masturbating is hard work.

This private time is excellent for practicing condom wrapper opening and condom application. Placing a little bit of lube in the tip of your condom will make it easier to unroll without wrinkles. If you wear a cock ring you may have one of the most amazing masturbatory experiences ever and you'll find that, with the condoms, you can work yourself harder without getting raw. A new product, Men's Cream, is now available. This is an oil-based lubricant made specifically for male masturbation. Grab some. It's pretty amazing stuff.

If you bring a friend (or friends) you can masturbate one another, thus gaining more valuable experience under the guise of research. Perhaps it's time to meet your neighbors by throwing a Jack and Jill Party?

We have a chance to overcome some of our unnecessary shame and embarrassment about sex while increasing our pleasure ratio. We can learn a lot from our brothers and sisters in the S&M community; negotiation and communication is old hat to them.

HIV, AIDS, herpes and hepatitis don't give a damn whether we're gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered or hermaphroditic. These bugs lurk under our beds, waiting for us to engage in activities, not people. With some creativity and care we can have some of the best sex we've ever had while making it the safest sex we've ever had.

If you need medical information and advice or emotional support, you can call 1-800-342-2437 for the National AIDS Hotline. TDD service is available at 1-800-243-7889. If you are HIV positive, remember: even if your partner is also infected, you still need to practice safer sex with them. Reinfecting yourself or others is not going to make things better. Play it safe and you can still have great sex.

Reprinted with permission from the archives of the SAADE Gazette.